You Give Love a Bad Name

I can be a true Israelite all the time sometimes. I get in a particular rut, pray, God leads me out of it, I have the "ah-ha!" moment, say I'll never forget this lesson and the clarity I have now, go about my life then... find myself in another rut that I can't get out of. This cycle repeats itself far more than I would like. I have wised up a little, though. I can, in hindsight, see the warning signs: not reading my Bible regularly, not seriously praying on a regular basis, letting my thoughts of God become less and less frequent and my thoughts of self-importance and self-pity become more and more frequent. You get the idea (I turn into the Devil's playground). And these things are the catalysts that lead to increased frustration, irritableness, anxiety, and an overall bad attitude. I sound like a peach, huh?!


You should also know that I cannot compartmentalize. At all. I would be a terrible Sydney Bristow. Everything is connected to everything else. You're rolling you eyes at me suggest that you have a bad attitude about something which suggests you may have issues with authority and obedience which suggests that you may have issues with your parents, teachers, pastor, etc., and so on... You see, to me, it's not simply "an eye roll".


I coach a Varsity softball team. A team that consists of teenage girls. Teenage girls who, like all other teenage girls, are still trying to find themselves, who they are in Christ (or if they even care about God at all), where they fit into it all, why all the  boys doesn't like them, why girls don't like them (though, they hate those girls anyway). Girls who don't have the perspective to properly see their issues, situation, how blessed they are and how important the things they blow off really are. This isn't a knock toward them or teenage girls across the world; it's just the facts of teenagers. I was one once (not TOO long ago...) so I think I am aloud to at least incriminate myself, no? Anyhow, knowing this is how teenagers will be until the end of time, I started off the season already on my guard. I was *already* irritated at what I expected them to do (great attitude, right?). I had past experiences that made me slightly cynical and jaded. I truly wanted to help them be better players, be a reflection of Christ and tie those 2 things together to provide them with valuable life lessons. 


"...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8


I was kind of doing the opposite of this. I'm pretty sure when we do the opposite of what God commands, we wind up pushing people away from Christ and not drawing them into Him... But, yanno, I could be wrong...


Anyhow, after months (ok, years) of battling my frustrations, I prayed for a change in my attitude. I didn't want everything to make me angry or elicit a negative response from me (not just in coaching, mind you). Finally, one Sunday, after a message I can't specifically recount, I was convicted and truly prayed to be released from my bondage so that I could 1. be free, and 2. truly show Christ to others. I always thought people had such a negative opinion of me; people obviously thought I wasn't a true Christian because I wasn't always sweet, happy, fun, perfect... And, hey, that may have been the case! I was kind of a turd. 


I definitely felt different after that, and still do. I am SO thankful that God walked me through this to show me the negative consequences of what were good intentions that were terribly implemented.


"Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” Matthew 12:3


Talk about a punch to the gut. So often we breeze over verses without really thinking about their meaning. We think, "Oh, that sounds nice. Next." This is a pretty weighty verse, though. Out of the overflow of the heart. Whatever is in your heart is what is coming out. Now, if you're a kind-hearted individual with always good intentions who is a true servant of others, this verse can provide solace (depending on your perspective, of course). If you're like the aforementioned person above, this verse can be an arrow right in the heart. Don't be that person. I didn't like it and I'm pretty sure other people didn't, either. Deal? Deal.

Inevitable Valentines Post

Ah, Valetine's Day is upon us. Generally, us single folk hate this day as it points the most obvious finger at our singleness. I am still not generally fond of the day when I don't have a companion to share in the love-ey festivities, but I'm realizing more and more that lacking boyfriend/fiance/husband doesn't mean that I can't still show love. There are others who desperately need some sign that they matter and, on the day that they *really* feel like they don't, this is the perfect time to love on a stranger, a friend, a grandparent, etc.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. - Song of Solomon 4:7

Seriously, no man on this earth is going to be capable of romancing my heart like Jesus. I can get so caught up in the fact that I am "single" that I forget Jesus is a husband to the husbandless. Why is he less deserving of that title than an earthly man who can never truly fulfill me or my needs? Yes, I believe that I will get married and to a man who will fulfill needs... But... I don't have to. If I were to stay single for the rest of my life, I would still have everything I need, and more. He knows me more deeply than anyone ever has or ever will (I am working on making this fact instead of a mantra that I continually repeat to myself).

So, even if I don't get Lindt chocolates, a dozen roses, a stuffed animal, a card, a giant, heart-shaped balloon, or Tim Tebow standing at my door holding all of this in his arms, I can still take part in this day of love.

I'm going to go all high school on you and post some lyrics. This is my Valentine's Day song and it's kind of my favorite... This one goes out to all the single ladies (and fellahs) out there ;)

I don't believe we've met before
But then again, I guess I can't be so sure

'Cause maybe I passed you by

A hundred times today

If ever you might think of me

Know that I've been thinking right much of thee

And maybe I'm not in your eyes

But one day I, I will come

I count the stars alone each night

And wonder where you're sleeping at this very time

I stroll the streets in daydreams of where our love might lead

And every February I will think of you

And practice writing valentines

'Cause maybe I'm not in your eyes

But one day I, I will come

See what's the hurry? What's the point of being hasty?

Why waken love before it's time?

Why would I give my heart away to strangers?

Instead I'll just wait till you're mine

I will come like a knight in Arthur's day

I will sweep your heart away

And I'll mean it when I say

You're my one and only

And together we will fly

Sometimes through the blackest nights

Holding on tight for now and forever after

If ever you might think of me

Know that I've been thinking right much of thee

And maybe I'm not in your eyes

But one day I, I will come 

Stay Away from Street Corners

Maybe I shouldn't be so gung-ho with this "blog once a week" thing... I don't see that happening as I can hardly come up with something to say after 3 weeks ...

So, I have decided I need to do something about this whole "I look like I'm 13" thing. Again, new year, new beginnings, new... whatevz. The other day, I was stopped in the mall and asked to participate in a drawing for girls 9-17. I tried to tell her that I wasn't qualified to partake of this raffle. She then told me that I most surely did as it is for girls *up to* 17, as if I misheard her. Excuse me, ma'am. I am 24. Yes. Did I mention she hardly noticed my 17 year old sister and only focused on me... her 7 year elder? This is not my first run in with the "What grade are you in?" offenders.

My mother also says I dress like a teenager. But... how do I change this without buying clothes from Talbots, wearing boxy jackets and big, block-healed shoes? I think I will go to Sephora and see if they can help me out, given my makeup routine is a little lacking in the experience... Maybe lipstick? I hear a darker lipstick helps. My only concern is that I don't want to walk away looking like a hooker.

Speak Up, I Can't Hear You!

I am quiet. That's how most everyone outside of my immediate family would describe me. Being a human being with many facets, "quiet" isn't exactly the noun I would choose to describe myself if I could only pick one (or two, or three...). Who would want that to define them?

Charlie is dynamic! Esther is gracious. Mary is inspiring! All of these nouns paint a picture of the person; you can instantly imagine the different ways in which they make these nouns true. Service, adventure, guts, kindness, self-sacrifice, imagination. The list goes on and on.

Morgan is quiet.

Doesn't exactly paint a very detailed picture, does it?

I began to fulfill this expectation others had by... being quiet. I walked quietly, I talked softly (though, in my defense, my voice is the same octave of white noise and I just can't change that), opened and closed doors gently. It became habit. I was quiet even when I was alone.

I realized that I am holding myself back from, well, being myself. I would generally find it hard to warm up to people as, I assumed, if they saw all of me right away they would run away and never speak to me again. But, so what? I have realized (praise the Lord) that if they DO run away screaming, because they see me for me, I am not worse off for this. Why would I want to be friends with someone who requires me to be someone other than myself? I wouldn't. I don't.

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion (with the help of a dear friend telling me this straight out...) that I need to stop hiding myself from people. It's ok if my heals click when I walk down an echoing hallway. It's ok if the door makes a noticeable noise when I close it; doors tend to do these things. It's ok if someone doesn't get my humor. It's ok if someone thinks I'm weird. But, it's also ok if someone thinks I'm funny, or awesome, or pretty, or smart, or interesting. Either way, it's ok.

So, to run the risk of being a big cliche, I made a resolutions list. I think it's well needed as I have been a bit adrift as of late... I wonder where my direction in life is without actively perusing any direction! So, in an attempt to remedy this (and conquer the aforementioned "quiet" stigma), I made a list of things I wish to accomplish by years end. I want to shy (see what I did there?) away from my previous, drifting persona and truly embody me.

+ Blog/journal at least once a week, to keep track of my blessing & hardships alike & to see the growth I made by years end

+ Take pictures at least once a week (probably to accompany said blog)

+ Have a steady client base/income with photography (hungthemoonphotography.com, check it out people)

+ Be myself (Hopefully, this doesn't need further explanation)

+ Get in shape & stop whining about being "fat" (I don't really think I'm fat, don't worry)

+ Go on a mission trip (Africa?)

+ Deepen my relationship with God and spend regular time with Him/Learn more about His and Jesus personality to better know them and myself

+ Make new friends (again, see above)

+ Visit a new city (New York!!)

+ Spend less time on Facebook. Seriously.

+ Keep my website updated (aka, stop being so lazy)

+ Have a real savings accounts (aka, limit the shopping sprees)

+ Pay off my credit cards (aka, limit the shopping sprees)

+ Be content

+ Be courageous

+ Stop stressing so much. Make a point to see goodness in the situation.

+ Get rid of my Creepers. Seriously, it's getting out of control (aka, be assertive)

The Heart of the Matter

I think some of my co-workers have forgotten that I still work here... I was gone all last week for the Jesus Culture: Awakening conference. I was really excited about it and felt like this could be my moment. That this might be when God reveals my next step!

Well, the conference was definitely not what I expected. In truth, I didn't know what to expect. I had barely heard of some of the speakers and never heard of others. I just knew Jesus Culture and Hillsong United would be leading worship so, I was in. Let me just say, the worship was AH-mazing. Sometimes I would just watch the crowd sing. 15,000 people singing to God is an astounding thing to watch and hear... The first session was fantastic. The second session was OK. But I was quickly realizing that this wasn't a preaching or teaching conference. After the fact, I was talking with my dear friend, Leah, and she used the word "impartation". These world renowned speakers were passing the torch onto the next generation. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing! It's fantastic for those who have gained wisdom that comes with practicing your faith for so many years to hand that wisdom on to the next generation. I just wasn't entirely sure I wanted everything that was being passed down...


Now, I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe the Spirit lives inside us and works through us. I believe in spiritual gifts, supernatural occurrences, miracles, the whole 9 yards. However, I want to live these things out the way God intended. I don't want to be radical for that sake of being "different". I don't want to use my gifting(s) to draw attention away from what God is trying to accomplish. That being said, I saw some things that now have my heart a bit conflicted. I saw people being radical for attentions sake. I saw people praying for others so they would feel something, it seemed. I heard people, MANY people, speaking in tongues without interpretation. I don't want to be "that person" who is always pointing to the rule book but, really, Paul addresses these things in Corinthians for a reason, no? These things have me wondering, now, about how we should conduct ourselves as Christians, how we worship, and what our lives are saying to the unbelievers around us.


I kept looking at this particular young camera man. I kept watching his face and posture to see if he was buying this. I wanted to see if he felt what these thousands of others were screaming about. He just stood there with a blank expression on his face, not irritated but indifferent at the most lenient explanation. I wanted to talk to him! I mean, was this freaking him out? Was he mulling over the messages he heard or was he now more closed off to hearing about God than when the conference began? I know we aren't to act differently or change in an effort to bring others to Christ but, were these people acting "right"? Even I was a little freaked out at times, and not in a good way...


I am in no way perfect and I don't have it all figured out. I don't want to judge someone's faith out of indignation. I do not know the heart of any of the strangers at the conference to know how pure their intentions were or are. I merely want to read what the Bible says and live it out as honestly as I can. I was looking for something to study before I left (Bible wise) and now I have it--speaking in tongues/the church of Corinth. I don't want to see someone being "crazy for Jesus" when they are merely trying to bring attention to themselves and basically distracting people from seeing who Jesus really is. God is not a God of confusion or distraction. I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace..."


I came away from this conference confused and unnerved. I may be overreacting but I tend to do this when I find there may be fault in my faith (I suppose that isn't a terrible thing to overreact about though!). I pray that God uses this to draw me closer to His heart, that I would truly know Him for who He is and that I would gain proper wisdom from the study of His word.

Growing Pains

Like I said earlier, I have an amazing job. Well, maybe that's not the right wording... My job itself is insanely lame. I have amazing bosses. I have been working here for 3 years now and it has been one of the biggest blessing in my life. When I was first hired, I was SO bad at the job. I mean, I was REALLY, really bad. I honestly can't believe I didn't get fired within my first month... But, God being as good as He is, gave my bosses grace (or blinders) and let me develop into the well-loved employee that I am today. Like I said, it has been such a blessing. From being able to make my own hours, getting raises and bonuses at just the right time, paid vacation even though I'm part-time, free lunches, and so much more, I have been truly spoiled.

I was talking to someone a month or so ago about my job and how it has ruined me for future employment. I couldn't imagine going to a place that would require 40 hours/week and actual work output! You know, a grown-up job. But, then something amazing happened.

A couple weeks ago, I went on a much needed, long, far too costly vacation that didn't last long enough (they never do). When I got back, I made my way back to work, sat at my desk, started the day and felt.... restless. I had felt restless before but, this was different. I was done. I was no longer attracted to all of my perks. I was ready to move on and use my time to positively impact others or, in the least, do something I enjoyed. And I didn't care if that required 40 hours a week or little pay!

Then, I had a coffee date with my wonderful best friend (my coffee dates with Leah are almost always Divine appointments) and she gave me the analogy of a mother bird pushing the baby birds out of the nest. I have been so stressed about finding a new source of employment but I am also so comforted to know that this is all part of God's plan. I never thought I'd be able to say goodbye to my current job but I am so thankful that God has given me the restlessness and, as a result, the strength to step out. I don't know where He will be sending me but I know that He will provide a place and a way.

Thank you, Father, for finally shoving me out of the nest.

The Waiting Game...

Silence.

It's one of the worst things to be met with. Answers provide direction and/or closure. You got the job. You didn't make the cut. Yes, I'll marry you. You have two weeks to live. Though not all of these outcomes are not ideal, at least you know what to expect. You don't have to replay every possible scenario in your head. You don't have to wait anymore.

Waiting

Sometimes [99% of the time] I feel like that is all I do. My plan and God's plan have not intersected an awful lot over the course of my life. I planned on graduating and getting married at 22. He planned on me being single and still in school. I planned on using my time wisely, helping people, working in an area that wasn't just a job but a way to reach people who were lost. He planned on me keeping the job I have and waiting for further instruction as the clock continued to click, never slowing; sometimes I think it sped up...

My job has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. I am not utilized like I want to be but I couldn't ask for a better situation or better bosses. Every time I need something, God uses it to provide for me. I also am not whining about God not answering my prayers. He does. I pray for guidane or a sign about photography and He will provide one. But I have to wonder, why in the world is it taking so long?!

I know given circumstances that I am currently in, He is working inside me and molding me (Ps 66:10: For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver). I am so very grateful for this. Though the situation may be painful, I know from past experience that He is using it to grow me and bring me closer to Him as He is the one I depend on for my strength.

All this being said, I am still waiting. I see these quotes that provoke action. I see my friends doing amazing things and seeing their dreams come to life. I am so envious of them. I want to see my dreams come true. I want to know which dreams are the ones He has placed on my heart so I can stop wondering which path I am suppose to take. Or when that path will ever be in front of me.

I long for the moment when I hear, "You know that thing you've been waiting for? Well, here it is! Sorry it took so long but you'll understand why soon enough." Oh, how glorious that moment will be! Until then, I'll trust in Him knowing that He only has my best intentions in mind and that He is always faithful and provides everything at just the right moment.

And until then... I'll wait.