Speak Up, I Can't Hear You!

I am quiet. That's how most everyone outside of my immediate family would describe me. Being a human being with many facets, "quiet" isn't exactly the noun I would choose to describe myself if I could only pick one (or two, or three...). Who would want that to define them?

Charlie is dynamic! Esther is gracious. Mary is inspiring! All of these nouns paint a picture of the person; you can instantly imagine the different ways in which they make these nouns true. Service, adventure, guts, kindness, self-sacrifice, imagination. The list goes on and on.

Morgan is quiet.

Doesn't exactly paint a very detailed picture, does it?

I began to fulfill this expectation others had by... being quiet. I walked quietly, I talked softly (though, in my defense, my voice is the same octave of white noise and I just can't change that), opened and closed doors gently. It became habit. I was quiet even when I was alone.

I realized that I am holding myself back from, well, being myself. I would generally find it hard to warm up to people as, I assumed, if they saw all of me right away they would run away and never speak to me again. But, so what? I have realized (praise the Lord) that if they DO run away screaming, because they see me for me, I am not worse off for this. Why would I want to be friends with someone who requires me to be someone other than myself? I wouldn't. I don't.

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion (with the help of a dear friend telling me this straight out...) that I need to stop hiding myself from people. It's ok if my heals click when I walk down an echoing hallway. It's ok if the door makes a noticeable noise when I close it; doors tend to do these things. It's ok if someone doesn't get my humor. It's ok if someone thinks I'm weird. But, it's also ok if someone thinks I'm funny, or awesome, or pretty, or smart, or interesting. Either way, it's ok.

So, to run the risk of being a big cliche, I made a resolutions list. I think it's well needed as I have been a bit adrift as of late... I wonder where my direction in life is without actively perusing any direction! So, in an attempt to remedy this (and conquer the aforementioned "quiet" stigma), I made a list of things I wish to accomplish by years end. I want to shy (see what I did there?) away from my previous, drifting persona and truly embody me.

+ Blog/journal at least once a week, to keep track of my blessing & hardships alike & to see the growth I made by years end

+ Take pictures at least once a week (probably to accompany said blog)

+ Have a steady client base/income with photography (hungthemoonphotography.com, check it out people)

+ Be myself (Hopefully, this doesn't need further explanation)

+ Get in shape & stop whining about being "fat" (I don't really think I'm fat, don't worry)

+ Go on a mission trip (Africa?)

+ Deepen my relationship with God and spend regular time with Him/Learn more about His and Jesus personality to better know them and myself

+ Make new friends (again, see above)

+ Visit a new city (New York!!)

+ Spend less time on Facebook. Seriously.

+ Keep my website updated (aka, stop being so lazy)

+ Have a real savings accounts (aka, limit the shopping sprees)

+ Pay off my credit cards (aka, limit the shopping sprees)

+ Be content

+ Be courageous

+ Stop stressing so much. Make a point to see goodness in the situation.

+ Get rid of my Creepers. Seriously, it's getting out of control (aka, be assertive)

The Heart of the Matter

I think some of my co-workers have forgotten that I still work here... I was gone all last week for the Jesus Culture: Awakening conference. I was really excited about it and felt like this could be my moment. That this might be when God reveals my next step!

Well, the conference was definitely not what I expected. In truth, I didn't know what to expect. I had barely heard of some of the speakers and never heard of others. I just knew Jesus Culture and Hillsong United would be leading worship so, I was in. Let me just say, the worship was AH-mazing. Sometimes I would just watch the crowd sing. 15,000 people singing to God is an astounding thing to watch and hear... The first session was fantastic. The second session was OK. But I was quickly realizing that this wasn't a preaching or teaching conference. After the fact, I was talking with my dear friend, Leah, and she used the word "impartation". These world renowned speakers were passing the torch onto the next generation. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing! It's fantastic for those who have gained wisdom that comes with practicing your faith for so many years to hand that wisdom on to the next generation. I just wasn't entirely sure I wanted everything that was being passed down...


Now, I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe the Spirit lives inside us and works through us. I believe in spiritual gifts, supernatural occurrences, miracles, the whole 9 yards. However, I want to live these things out the way God intended. I don't want to be radical for that sake of being "different". I don't want to use my gifting(s) to draw attention away from what God is trying to accomplish. That being said, I saw some things that now have my heart a bit conflicted. I saw people being radical for attentions sake. I saw people praying for others so they would feel something, it seemed. I heard people, MANY people, speaking in tongues without interpretation. I don't want to be "that person" who is always pointing to the rule book but, really, Paul addresses these things in Corinthians for a reason, no? These things have me wondering, now, about how we should conduct ourselves as Christians, how we worship, and what our lives are saying to the unbelievers around us.


I kept looking at this particular young camera man. I kept watching his face and posture to see if he was buying this. I wanted to see if he felt what these thousands of others were screaming about. He just stood there with a blank expression on his face, not irritated but indifferent at the most lenient explanation. I wanted to talk to him! I mean, was this freaking him out? Was he mulling over the messages he heard or was he now more closed off to hearing about God than when the conference began? I know we aren't to act differently or change in an effort to bring others to Christ but, were these people acting "right"? Even I was a little freaked out at times, and not in a good way...


I am in no way perfect and I don't have it all figured out. I don't want to judge someone's faith out of indignation. I do not know the heart of any of the strangers at the conference to know how pure their intentions were or are. I merely want to read what the Bible says and live it out as honestly as I can. I was looking for something to study before I left (Bible wise) and now I have it--speaking in tongues/the church of Corinth. I don't want to see someone being "crazy for Jesus" when they are merely trying to bring attention to themselves and basically distracting people from seeing who Jesus really is. God is not a God of confusion or distraction. I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace..."


I came away from this conference confused and unnerved. I may be overreacting but I tend to do this when I find there may be fault in my faith (I suppose that isn't a terrible thing to overreact about though!). I pray that God uses this to draw me closer to His heart, that I would truly know Him for who He is and that I would gain proper wisdom from the study of His word.

Growing Pains

Like I said earlier, I have an amazing job. Well, maybe that's not the right wording... My job itself is insanely lame. I have amazing bosses. I have been working here for 3 years now and it has been one of the biggest blessing in my life. When I was first hired, I was SO bad at the job. I mean, I was REALLY, really bad. I honestly can't believe I didn't get fired within my first month... But, God being as good as He is, gave my bosses grace (or blinders) and let me develop into the well-loved employee that I am today. Like I said, it has been such a blessing. From being able to make my own hours, getting raises and bonuses at just the right time, paid vacation even though I'm part-time, free lunches, and so much more, I have been truly spoiled.

I was talking to someone a month or so ago about my job and how it has ruined me for future employment. I couldn't imagine going to a place that would require 40 hours/week and actual work output! You know, a grown-up job. But, then something amazing happened.

A couple weeks ago, I went on a much needed, long, far too costly vacation that didn't last long enough (they never do). When I got back, I made my way back to work, sat at my desk, started the day and felt.... restless. I had felt restless before but, this was different. I was done. I was no longer attracted to all of my perks. I was ready to move on and use my time to positively impact others or, in the least, do something I enjoyed. And I didn't care if that required 40 hours a week or little pay!

Then, I had a coffee date with my wonderful best friend (my coffee dates with Leah are almost always Divine appointments) and she gave me the analogy of a mother bird pushing the baby birds out of the nest. I have been so stressed about finding a new source of employment but I am also so comforted to know that this is all part of God's plan. I never thought I'd be able to say goodbye to my current job but I am so thankful that God has given me the restlessness and, as a result, the strength to step out. I don't know where He will be sending me but I know that He will provide a place and a way.

Thank you, Father, for finally shoving me out of the nest.

The Waiting Game...

Silence.

It's one of the worst things to be met with. Answers provide direction and/or closure. You got the job. You didn't make the cut. Yes, I'll marry you. You have two weeks to live. Though not all of these outcomes are not ideal, at least you know what to expect. You don't have to replay every possible scenario in your head. You don't have to wait anymore.

Waiting

Sometimes [99% of the time] I feel like that is all I do. My plan and God's plan have not intersected an awful lot over the course of my life. I planned on graduating and getting married at 22. He planned on me being single and still in school. I planned on using my time wisely, helping people, working in an area that wasn't just a job but a way to reach people who were lost. He planned on me keeping the job I have and waiting for further instruction as the clock continued to click, never slowing; sometimes I think it sped up...

My job has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. I am not utilized like I want to be but I couldn't ask for a better situation or better bosses. Every time I need something, God uses it to provide for me. I also am not whining about God not answering my prayers. He does. I pray for guidane or a sign about photography and He will provide one. But I have to wonder, why in the world is it taking so long?!

I know given circumstances that I am currently in, He is working inside me and molding me (Ps 66:10: For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver). I am so very grateful for this. Though the situation may be painful, I know from past experience that He is using it to grow me and bring me closer to Him as He is the one I depend on for my strength.

All this being said, I am still waiting. I see these quotes that provoke action. I see my friends doing amazing things and seeing their dreams come to life. I am so envious of them. I want to see my dreams come true. I want to know which dreams are the ones He has placed on my heart so I can stop wondering which path I am suppose to take. Or when that path will ever be in front of me.

I long for the moment when I hear, "You know that thing you've been waiting for? Well, here it is! Sorry it took so long but you'll understand why soon enough." Oh, how glorious that moment will be! Until then, I'll trust in Him knowing that He only has my best intentions in mind and that He is always faithful and provides everything at just the right moment.

And until then... I'll wait.

I'm Going Where?...

I'm OCD. I'll admit it. It's something I've dealt with for many, many, many years now. I used to be absolutely crazy (you have no idea...) but, as I've grown and matured, it has become more manageable and the few things I do freak out about are usually somewhat sensical. With the tiny exception of one....

Blood. Blood freaks me out. Not in the, "I'm going to faint if I get a paper cut" sense. It freaks me out in the, "Oh my gosh, I just got AIDS from staring at that red smudge!" sense. I understand that this makes me pathologically disturbed but, I, for the most part, can't help it. And blood seems to follow me! Far too many times I've looked down in a public restroom to see a pool (ok, maybe not a "pool"...) of blood staring back up at me. I mean, obviously this person had AIDS and it has now been passed onto me through staring at it or stepping on/in it. Obviously...

Given this insane fear, Africa has been a huge irrational fear of mine, as well. It is known to me as AIDS Country. I figure it's in the air and you'll become infected just by stepping outside (again, I understand how crazy I am). Just thinking about Africa would give me anxiety. And then, something funny happend. God can be SO funny sometimes...

I've wanted to go on a mission trip for some time and I always figured it'd be some place like Mexico or the like. Nowhere TOO crazy, right? Well, lately, Africa kinda kept popping up, both in my mind and externally... A week or two ago, I received an e-mail from my small group leader about a trip she would like us to go on... to Africa. AFRICA! A couple years ago, I would have laughed and said, "Yeah, right!" and moved on. But this time, I didn't say no so quickly. In fact, I didn't say no at all. I said yes. I said YES. Oh, what have I gotten myself into?

Well, technically I said I'd pray about it, was filled with anxiety (common theme with me? I think so), then, a couple days later, officially decided it was what I was going to do. This is absolutley amazing to me. God has been loving on me left and right, answering prayers, growing me, maturing me spiritually and, as a result, in every other way. I no longer fear becoming an "adult" like I did, oh, a few months ago (another post for another time). I cannot think of another place in the entire universe where I would need to depend on God more than in Africa. I mean, just thinking about the mosquitoes.... This is going to be one amazing, crazy, trying, enlightening adventure and I cannot wait to be used by Him and to see myself on other side of it.

Beginnings Are Hard

I was always terrible at starting papers. It was just such a daunting task to me. You had to hook the reader with a concise statement that drew them in to read the next sentence, and the next. I would always write the body of the paper before I wrote the introduction.

All beginnings are difficult, scary and anxiety inducing: the first date, the first day of class, the first doctor's visit, first time walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation out of thin air, the first bite of a brussel sprout...

I just recently graduated from college *yay*. I am so blessed that God prolonged my graduation date to what it was. I would have had a nervous break down had it been a semester sooner. Having graduated, I am now in the season of more firsts. My first real look at what I want to do with my life now that I am an "adult" (a bit more daunting than an introductory paragraph). The first car payment (yikes). The first time I have to seriously consider living on my own. Growing up sounds so much cooler when you're 12 and looking at all the grown-ups (by the way, these "grown-ups" are probably no older than 20...), wishing you could be like them. Everything looks so fabulous through the rose-colored glasses of a pre-teen... Well, now I have another first. My first blog. My obsession with all things Anthropologie led me to the many blogs of devoted Anthroholics. I decided that it may be nice to start one for myself; it would help gather my thoughts as well as put my knowledge of clothes to some sort of good use.

So, here's to the first of hopefully many (more coherent and intriguing) posts!